Recovery has had it's ups and downs.
Since diagnosis, it’s felt like I’ve wanted to hit a big pause button on life because time spent away from loved ones and doing what you actually want to do is taken away from you. When you’re doing the things you enjoy, you want to resume life again.
When I published this blog whilst still in hospital, I broke down in tears because the truth and everything we’d been through so far was then out there. It was a big relief but I also felt very vulnerable. Since returning home from hospital James and I had moments to reflect, it's been emotional because we have both been so overwhelmed by support in all forms from both friends and family. Our home could now pass for a florist, even the blender became a vase! I received heartfelt and thoughtful cards that brought tears to my eyes. Gifts included organic home cooked meals, a positivity bracelet, wellbeing goodies and uplifting books to read. One of the more quirky things to arrive through the letterbox were chocolate boobs that our son misheard us talking about and called chocolate poos!
It hasn’t all been fun and games though, it was a readjustment being back home. Two weeks on since my operation and admittedly I have struggled with the fact that everything takes that bit longer to do. I reluctantly have needed help getting in and out of the shower. I couldn’t even do simple things like pick up either of our children, get out of bed easily, reach up high or put my hair up in a ponytail. I had to take pain relief first thing in the morning because it was too excruciating to get up and about without it. If I had to order the discomfort across the three sites operated on, I’d say the most painful is the upper thigh, then it’s under the armpit where the lymph nodes were removed then most surprisingly the new breast is least painful. I had to rely on James for a lot of things. I’m so used to getting on and being independent, that asking for help didn’t come naturally. In turn I was told off for doing too much and struggled to not revert into “Mum mode” which is where I turn into Taz and like a whirlwind rush around the house doing things. It’s been difficult especially at this point in life where we’re still readjusting to having two children. Day by day things are getting easier however it'll be a while till I'm back to full strength.
I received a call from my breast surgeon, Miss Waheed saying the results appointment needs to be postponed a week. Although results played on my mind, in a way I didn’t mind because it bought more normality time. The best news is that my Mum is expected to return home later this week. She also got what we called “day release" from the hospital and was able to celebrate our son’s 3rd Birthday with us.
Time doing what you enjoy is so precious. Before I left hospital, Jesse recommended every week arranging something to look forward to, enjoyment time. That's advice I'll keep working towards. You may have 5 years of life left or 50, no one knows. In reality we have no control over time. Yes I feel angry that this has happened because time has been taken away by treating my breast cancer. It is time I'll never get back but on the flip side going through the treatment will hopefully buy me more time. What you can control is how you spend your precious time and appreciating those moments.
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